I’m sure you’ve all read some bullshit tips about how to spice up your life in the bedroom. Most lifestyle blogs and magazines are full of them. Use a blindfold, hum the national anthem on their balls, bring out a feather. All of these things (ok maybe not the national anthem humming, except for some intense patriots) are pretty fun – but they’re kind of boring and vanilla.
So how can you spice up your playtime and start exploring BDSM for realsies? What are some seriously kinky ways to glam up some vanilla sex? Maybe you’re actually doing some of these things and don’t realize they’re kinky – and hopefully you’ll find some new things to inspire you.
Spicing up the Bedroom – Teeny Tiny Power Dynamics
Chances are if you’re reading my blog you’re past the ‘spicing up the bedroom’ Cosmo articles and are ready for some more tangible ways to experiment. When we first get curious about kink, often times we don’t know where to start. We might have seen a scene in a movie that gave us some tingles or realized we like getting spanked (hard) and we want to see how we can explore that more. The resources online are a lot more limited than you would think, and a lot of the articles you find will be full of cliches about how to use whipped cream.
So I’m introducing my teeny tiny power dynamics! One of the hottest and most fun parts about kink is that you can assume a role with someone else, by relinquishing some control or taking some. The idea might seem insurmountably complex, and you might not feel ready for a Master/slave dynamic but don’t fear, you don’t have to get the collar out quite yet.
1. Orgasm Control
Nothing quite gets someone desperate and excited as much as having to ask permission to cum. Orgasm control is a whole realm of possibilities, but for this suggestion it’s simple: before you start having sex agree that one person will ask permission and the other will give permission for their orgasm.
That’s it. That simple. The person who has given up their ability to cum when they want can beg or ask and the other person can either deny the requests or accept. It doesn’t matter if the person is actually able to control their orgasms to that degree, if they cum anyways you can always find some punishment for doing so.
Quick Tip: If you have a partner who sometimes has trouble orgasming handle this trick with care. I still think it can be a fun tool, but if your partner is actually ready to orgasm you might want to accept their request instead of deny, and maybe not mention it or push them to orgasm before they’re ready. You can experiment with what works, and you might find that the barrier of having to ask will make it easier for them to orgasm as well.
2. No Touchy – Touch Control
Like the tip above, agree that one person will be the ‘touch-er’ and the other will be the ‘touch-ee’
The person who has the power to touch can touch themselves and the other partner however they want, but the ‘helpless’ party isn’t allowed to assist in any way with their hands. Usually I think this is fun to do without binding their hands, because then the person will try to touch and you can remind them they can’t. The frustration is adorable.
I think this game is especially fun with a pleaser partner. A pleaser partner is someone whose main goal in bed is to give pleasure rather than receive, so they would find not being able to touch especially frustrating. Have some sort of ‘go’ word for you two to use that will break the touch-game so you can now have super turned on sexy times.
Games like this are also a nice way to break up the monotony of the ‘a little foreplay then we stick stuff in each other’ routine that a lot of couples get into. Placing boundaries can actually make things more exciting, because you have to play around the fact that you can’t touch back. Maybe if you’re the partner that can’t touch you can do something else, like talk to your partner as they touch you.
3. Sensory Play
Sensory play is a fancy word for playing with touch and other senses. The most traditional way you see this in pop culture references to kink is with a feather or hot wax. The way humans experience pain and pleasure is fascinating (if you want to have our mind blown about it listen to this podcast by Sex Nerd Sandra). The main sensations that you can play with are pressure, temperature, and vibration. You can mix them up in whatever fun goodie bag combination you want. The most fun thing about this is doing it in a way where they don’t know what sensation they’re about to get.
A blindfold works perfectly in this situation, or earmuffs/earplugs. Taking away one of the senses will leave your partner with a hyper-focus on the sense they still have available to them. Then, you can start introducing sensations in unexpected combinations.
Here are some ideas:
- Put their favorite sex toy in the freezer for a bit
- Alternate between hard and soft touch (spanking and tickling are a perfect combo)
- Mix hot wax and ice cubes
- Hold a strong vibrator in your hand and touch them with your fingers instead of the vibrator