I’m not afraid to say no. Even when I need to be friendly because I’m a presenter at an event and representing my websites. When someone approaches me online or in person, I’m not afraid to say no for an invitation to play. I do it often, with little regret attached to the rejection. Women in many cultures (especially in the US) are raised to let men down easy, and come up with a soft no like “no not right now” or “I have a boyfriend”. When we step into the world of BDSM, we need to try to drop these habits, because we can’t have a consent-based community if we can’t say no easily and freely.
Some dominants are perfectly happy to give someone who is curious a “test ride”. This practice is fun and acceptable to me, I’m just not a test drive gal. The styles of play I prefer are a bit more intimate, and require a more extensive negotiation and connection than some more easily ‘test-drive-able’ play styles (for example, electro play, floggers, cupping).
You might think I’m a bitch, or stuck up, or whatever other indignant statement you want to make about my character because I won’t have sexy times with you. Here are the reasons why I probably said no to you, or ignored your message:
1. I’ve Never Even Talked to you Before
Imagine going into a bar, walking up to a stranger and asking them “Hey wanna fuck?”. Imagine how many times that actually works. Now we’ve all heard this example before, and of course if someone went into a bar and did this over and over again, eventually he might get one ‘yes’. However, he would get a lot of no’s before that. Maybe some slaps too, and some drinks thrown in his face. So why would this be different in the kink world?
What we do is intimate. What we do involves risk. I want to get to know someone before I take on those risks and intimacy. We all have a limited amount of energy and time, and we want to spend it on people who we feel comfortable with. If I’ve never even seen you before, a better bet would be to strike up a conversation first and see where things go from there.
2. You Were Being Rude While I was Playing
If you were standing right next to my scene or practically on top of it while I was playing with someone else, I’m not going to want to play with you. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve been playing and someone has been close enough that a DM or another person had to tell them to back off, then while I’m still doing aftercare that person comes up and asks me if I want to play.
Why does this make me so mad? Well, because immediately I know that you don’t know how to respect boundaries so there is no way in hell that I would want to play with someone who I know doesn’t understand the basic rules of our community. Especially if you’re interrupting my current scene trying to get my attention, you are misunderstanding the importance of the connection and all the parts of play (negotiation and aftercare included) that require focus from all the people involved.
3. You Assume My Kinks or Interests
I can’t tell you how often this happens. I probably get a message at least once a week from some guy asking me something thrilling from the list below:
- Do you have a strap on?
- Will you financially dominate me?
- Will you dress me up as a sissy and humiliate me?
- Will you turn into a giant dragon overlord and smite me, then pee on my ashes?
Ok maybe not the last one. The reason this is shitty is because when you are establishing a new play relationship, the best way to do this is to establish where there is overlap in your likes and work from there. If you approach someone you don’t even know and say “Alright, here is how this scene is going to go” you aren’t even open to hearing what that person might actually want.
I actually do enjoy strap on play, but for me it is a deeply intimate act and I’ve only pegged a few men in my life. Each of them were long term partners who I knew very well. I need to really like you before I touch your butthole. To me, dudes asking to be pegged is the same as the “Wanna fuck?” messages on vanilla dating sites.
4. You Asked to Top Me/Treated Me Like a Submissive
I try not to assume the role of anyone I meet in kink. Even if I see them playing a certain way, I won’t assume that because they just bottomed for a scene that they are a submissive or a slave. I do in fact, bottom sometimes. However, those times are becoming fewer and fewer and I need to be extremely comfortable with the person before it happens.
I’ve experienced many male dominants who will come up to me and immediately treat me like a submissive, and ask to play. Calling me little girl, slave, whatever. I’m not your submissive and I think that male dominants often assume that all women are submissive. That big bad dom attitude isn’t sexy, and obviously asking female dominants to be your little butt doll isn’t going to turn out so well for you. So yeah, you get a really big “how about no” when you ask me.
5. You’re Creepy/Gross/Not My Type
Attraction is a complicated thing. So many factors go into what makes two people “click”. If you have a penis, your chances with me are already significantly lower, so generally if you come up and ask me straight out to play if we don’t each other the answer will be no.
Watch your body language, how you’re asking questions, and your personal hygiene. If you feel like people aren’t responding well to you, there are things that you can do to improve this. Maybe you stand too close when you’re talking to someone new, maybe you touch without asking, maybe you can stop staring at my boobs when we’re talking. Taking a lesson on not being creepy can get you pretty far.
All This Negativity: What to do Instead
Man, I’m such a Debbie Downer huh? What can a guy/gal do if they are truly interested in playing with someone? How can you be more sure to get a yes? That topic could be a whole number post, but here are my top tips:
- Establish a friendship first. Introduce yourself at a party. Say hey, I liked watching you play. Make general conversation to see if there is a connection.
- If you met me and are curious about me, check out my Fetlife profile. See what my preferences are, see if my role matches with yours.
- Frame your question from: “Will you play with me?” to something more like “I love your style of play and I’m interested in what you do. Would you be interested in talking more about potentially playing together?”
- Think of what you will offer to the relationship. Are you an experienced rope bottom? Do you really like being smooshed into legos?
- Be ready to provide references. Tell me who you’ve played with so they can vouch for you.
- Respect the scene someone is in, and give them space afterwards before you approach them.
Why my Writing More Gendered Than Usual in this Post: I generally stay fairly gender-neutral in my posts. However, there is no denying that 90% or more of the unsolicited requests for play I say no to are men. When women ask to play there are less likely to do all of the things above, so even if I’m not interested we generally talk about our interests and come to the mutual agreement that playing won’t be in the cards that night.