I hit the buzzer and shift from foot to foot at the front door. I glance at my phone and realise I’m early as usual. The spring day is so refreshing compared to the dark of the winter so I turn around and cross the street, to stroll the neighborhood while I wait. He comes from out of the corner of my eye and scoops me up and gives me a kiss. About twenty minutes later we are sitting on the couch in his sunny apartment drinking coffee. My hand is on her thigh and I look into her blue eyes as she tells me how her day went. He paces from the living room to the balcony, smoking a cigarette. I keep getting distracted by her glittery gold fingernails as they brush my thighs.

Or with my two other lovers, only a few months before. We are all tucked in the queen sized bed. She is shivering a bit between us, hot with with a fever. I gently place my hand on her forehead and then hug her closer. His arm drapes over the two of us and we fall asleep. By morning her fever had broke, and her and I are wrapped up in blankets on the couch in the morning sunlight. I gently pet her hair as he makes coffee.

I remember the first time I realised that I loved differently. It was with my first boyfriend. I thought he was the one, forever and ever, as most 15 year olds surging with hormones do. He was the first man I was sexual with. He had a friend who we were both close with. I don’t remember exactly how it happened, but somehow his friend approached me and asked how I would feel about him joining us in bed at some point. I was so excited. My answer was “Hell Yes!” without hesitation.

When we brought the idea to my boyfriend he was livid. How could I possibly think that was a good idea? He was disgusted, and we almost broke up. I didn’t realise that was a strange thing to want.

The trend continued:

• On again off again girlfriend and best friend in high school. We would always fall in love with boys and then break up with them to be with each other. I constantly struggled with feeling like I was in love with multiple people, and being taught that I can only be with one.
• First threesome in high school, three women. It was a fairly innocent affair, at a sleepover (I know this sounds like a porn). It felt so normal to me.
• First adult threesome when a friend of mine found out I had a crush on a mutual friend that came over for a party. Jumping in bed with the two of them felt as natural as breathing.
• I discover The Ethical Slut in college and begin exploring polyamory. One chapter very briefly mentions triad relationships, but wrote them off as rare. The idea still gets planted in my mind as an appealing possibility.
• I begin having serious, committed relationships that are more than just a ‘pivot’ polyamorous relationship. All three people would have some involvement.

Somehow my programming went different when I learned how to fall in love. When I watched movies growing up, I always felt a fluttery feeling when a love triangle appeared in a movie and I had this hope they would all end up together. I found myself attracted to power couples, admiring both people in the relationship and wanting to spend time with them. I never felt like the ‘third wheel’ with friends (tricycles always seemed like pretty stable, trendy vehicles to me anyways).

I just fall in love in threes. Not all of my relationships are triads, but it is becoming my normal. I’m not exactly a unicorn or a unicorn hunter (although I do indulge those fun flings with the right people). The dynamics I have formed in my adult life step beyond just what happens in the bedroom. I have had successful D/s relationships with two tops, live-in triads and a multitude of other three-way dynamics. And since I’m such a fan of sharing, I have decided to share my personal story about how I love with all of you.

To be continued…