Polyamory has been about the amazing partners I have. The connections I am able to make, the openness I feel in my life and the happiness I get from growing as a person. Every year I look back and I’m amazed at how much I have grown. When someone asks me what polyamory is like, I often respond with some line about communication. I say all relationships need communication to be happy, and poly relationships need communication to survive. Here are some of the valuable lessons I have learned from being polyamorous:
People Allow You To Grow
Think about lessons you have learned in your life. Sure you may have learned a few by yourself, but there is usually a person behind some of your biggest periods of growth. That person might have been a crappy boss, or a mediocre relationship. All connections in your life have influence on you as a person. Polyamory has allowed me to find connections that convince me growth is good. I have found people who stay in my life because their role in my life isn’t rigid.
Change And Growth Are Good Things
Changing the way you think is hard and not without growing pains. We feel happy and comfortable staying in our habits and patterns of thinking. We don’t want our relationships to change. We want our friends to always act the same, we want our partners to stay the same level of sexual and romantic with us. The sad fact is that things don’t work that way. Relationships grow and evolve way more than we think. Partners don’t just get married and their relationship stays exactly the same till they die, as much as we are taught that things work that way. Jobs, children, loss of friends. All of these things will change how you interact with your partner. Polyamory has taught me to let those changes happen. If you value the person more than the relationship, things may change for the better.
Jealousy Isn’t A Dirty Word
‘I would get jealous’ is the most common comment I hear from people once they find out I’m polyamorous. And what is jealousy? Why is jealous something that needs to be avoided so much? The way we phrase it, it sounds like jealousy is some horrible sickness you would come down with. Jealousy is actually your flashing red indicator button that you need to evaluate your feelings. Jealousy is actually a blanket of feelings and is just a way for us to say ‘I don’t like it but I don’t want to think about why’. When you pause and realize that the reason you are feeling jealous when your boyfriend goes on a date isn’t because he is making you jealous, but because you are afraid that he will like her more. Or that you are afraid he won’t come back to you. When all of those fears come from your insecurity about the relationship, or your fear of abandonment. You don’t actually own that person or what he does, and the more you cling instead of spending energy making the relationship secure the more likely he is to leave.
Love Isn’t A Starvation Model
You will find love. Even if you are queer and polyamorous so your dating pool is smaller, there are so many people in this world and you will find people to connect with. If I love one person and I add another relationship, I won’t love the first person less. Just like if parents have two children, they don’t love the first one less when they have the second. The love just multiplies. You can find new partners that fit well with your current partners, you don’t have to take a new partner just because you feel a connection with them but they don’t want to be polyamorous or don’t mesh well with your preferred relationship style. Be open, happy and secure in your current relationhips and you will be able to find more love.