Sub Drop is an emotional state that submissives/bottoms can experience after a BDSM scene. Some of the symptoms include feeling down, having less energy, feeling more emotionally raw. The symptoms vary from person to person, as does the intensity of sub drop. Understanding how to deal with sub drop is part of practicing BDSM. Everyone finds their own useful methods, and there isn’t one ‘cure all’ way to fix sub drop. BDSM is intense, and after an intense experience you are likely to go through a pattern of feelings afterwards. ‘Drop’ isn’t exclusive just to kink, ‘con drop’ is a similar feeling that people experience after attending a convention (doesn’t matter what type) and then have to come back to the real world.

For those of us who get our energy from quiet reflection time, it can sometimes be hard for our partners when we need to process our sub-drop away from them. I have seen the general assumption that people experiencing sub-drop need to be around people that they care about, and that they might need some extra affection/attention. I am not say that this isn’t true, I’m just saying not everyone will have those needs. Here are some things that I have done to feel better during sub-drop:

1. Just Check in Over the Phone

I want my people to know I’m ok. I don’t always want them to be around me when I am processing yucky emotions. Often times I will ask for some quiet time and then schedule a phone call with the person I played with a day or two afterwards. On the call there are no expectations for what I talk about, but I do generally ‘debrief’ about the scene and how I’m feeling.

2. Practice Self Care

Self care is a whole topic in itself, and practicing self care is so important in BDSM. Your relationship with yourself is the foundation for your relationships with other people. I’ve found that taking a nice long bath, reading and going on a walk by myself are good ways to reflect. I sometimes will feel sub-drop and just need to sit with myself and be OK with feeling that way. Practicing doing this in a constructive way is important

3.Write To Your Play Partner

I write journals for my partners often. I especially do this when in a D/s relationship. Having a regular journal is one of the things I ask for from my submissives, as it helps me see their perspective on something we experience together, and helps me learn how to be better in the future. If I am experiencing sub drop and my play partner is anxious to know I’m ok, I will typically write about the scene we had and share it with them.

4.The ‘Ignore Me But Be With Me’ Method

I use this all the time with my live in partner and some of my other partners. The general idea is to still share space with someone, but have them ignore me and let me do my own thing. I sometimes need introspective time when I can’t be completely by myself. I can ask my partner to just do other things around the house, and let me read or relax in bed. This helps your partner feel like you want them around, and puts less pressure on you to interact. I often find after having my ‘ignore’ time for a while I will want some more connective attention, which is great for my extroverted partner.

5.Understand That the Feeling Will Pass

Our culture has been conditioned to think we need to be happy all the time, and if we aren’t happy we are doing something wrong. Being happy all the time is impossible, and if you spend all your time with that unrealistic expectation, you will actually be less happy. The highs in life aren’t possible without the lows, and the highs we get from BDSM don’t come for free. I try to remind myself that part of BDSM is feeling all of my emotions, even the more painful ones. Spending some time thinking about this and reflecting helps me recharge and remind myself that everything will be ok.