BDSM has a lot of terminology that goes along with it. I remember being very overwhelmed when I first started poking around on websites like Fetlife. I had no idea what it all meant and I wanted to be up to date with the lingo fast. A few years later, I find myself using all of the terms and sometimes confusing my friends who aren’t as involved in the social scene.

How I Define a Scene

There isn’t a bible of BDSM. A lot of terms are widely disagreed upon. Due to the private nature of what we do, our terms, history and culture are hard to collect and keep in one place. I define a scene as an negotiated interaction with another person (or several people!) that is kinky in nature. The scene STARTS the moment you begin negotiation, and ends when you are finished with aftercare (or sometimes even after that if you take sub-drop into consideration. A scene is like negotiating a mini-relationship with someone.

The Other OTHER Safe Sex Conversation

So I love this video beyond just talking about BDSM, but for the sake of this post I will keep it to BDSM. I think that this video creates a good groundwork for how to talk to someone about a scene. BDSM doesn’t always have to do with sex, but it is an intimate act that you are sharing with other people. Depending on what you are doing, the risk will be different, but typically BDSM does come along with some level of risk.

I have negotiated D/s relationships where there was some level of blanket consent involved. I have negotiated scenes that was purely pickup play, and I didn’t play with the person again after that night. I have also negotiated poorly before, and had a play partner become unhappy with me when our expectations were different about what would happen with our relationship afterwards. Obviously you don’t know for sure how you are going to feel about a person after you play with them or have sex, but you can set good groundwork for what your expectations are.

Good Questions

Here are some good questions to ask while you are negotiating. These questions are good for both a bottom or a top. Negotiating a scene isn’t just laying out the groundwork with someone, it is an opportunity to begin the connection and confirm that you are about to do something you will feel good about. If a negotiation goes poorly and you do not feel comfortable, I find it entirely reasonable decide not to play.

The Basics

• What are you interested in? Is there anything specific you would like to happen during this scene?
• What are your hard and soft limits?
• Do you have any triggers that I should know about? (Words, actions or emotional states that might bring the person to a negative memory or headspace)
• Do you have any health conditions that I should be aware of?

I don’t want to go through the entire list of the basics. I think it is really helpful if you have a friend who is more experienced in kink, to really sit down with them and talk about what basic questions are important to ask about kink. Or, even better, attend a local class about negotiation.

The “Safe Sex” Questions

Getting back to the video, some questions go beyond what is physically going to happen in the scene. Here are the ‘harder’ questions. Don’t be surprised if someone has to stop and think about these. A lot of the time we aren’t accustomed to getting asked questions like this, and sometimes it takes some practice to be able to ask them and respond.

• What does this scene/play with me mean to you?
• What would you like to happen with our relationship (or lack therof) afterwards?
• If things go wrong, how would you like me to respond? How can I support you if one of us is triggered/upset?
• Would you say that playing in an intimate way will generate romantic feelings? How do you feel about someone when you are done playing? Does it depend on what happens during the scene?

Important Groundwork

I know that I can develop some intense romantic feelings for someone after I play with them. Especially if I bottom for them. I choose who I play with very carefully because of this, both to avoid the risk of feeling romantically towards someone who would not be receptive to that energy. I have also had the opposite happen, where I topped a person several times. I then didn’t speak with them much and declined a few non-kink dates with them. The next time I saw this person at a club, they were outwardly unhappy with me in front of other people, because he thought that me playing with him had meant that we were going to start a D/s relationship. Oops. We need to be careful to explain what we mean and want, because our body language and actions don’t always tell the whole story.