I always knew that I didn’t fit perfectly into the box of female. I spoke, acted and played a lot like a boy. I had no issue with my lady parts and identified with them just fine, but I didn’t identify with the majority of female traits. I never gave that much thought growing up. I had parents who supported whatever I was interested in and didn’t care what I wore or how I presented myself.
It was only until about a year ago that I began to understand that gender was a lot more complicated than just how you present yourself and your sex. I always knew that your gender and your sexual attraction didn’t go together the way that we assumed, but I didn’t take it one step further and acknowledge that my identity and expression of my gender were pretty different.
Experimenting Isn’t High Stakes
One of the reasons we are so reluctant to experiment with gender and sexuality is that it feels high stakes. Like if we sleep with a man just to see if we like it, we will lose our gold star as a lesbian. Or that if we are a man and try on women’s underwear we are suddenly a sissy. None of these things are true. Other people can be cruel, but other people shouldn’t dictate everything you do. Especially something that you can quietly explore, even in the comfort of your own home. Finding the authentic you matters a whole lot more than the opinions of other people. I feel the most satisfied with my life when I know I am expressing myself, instead of trying to fit into a social norm.
Having a supportive friend or partner goes a long way, but isn’t needed. When I met B (my anchor partner), I was comfortable with myself but hadn’t explored everything. He took my gender expression very seriously, and was very open to me just being who I am. Obviously this was easier for him than most because he also is gender queer, but the push in the right direction was good for me. I knew he wouldn’t freak out if he came home and I was trying on his clothes, or if I tried a night in drag. If you don’t have a partner at home that can help you explore, there are plenty of resources online.
I constantly push my own boundaries, trying to find how I feel most comfortable. I have never been extremely comfortable dressing feminine, but I have found some parts of femininity that make me super happy. Sparkles, extremely high heels and pencil skirts being some of them. I also found that I love wearing boxers and baggy pants, and I even love packing (more on that in a minute). I have began discovering that I prefer to be called ‘Sir’ than ‘Mistress’, and owned that my way of speaking and body language can be on the more masculine side.
If you feel curious about something, spending a little time researching what you are interested goes a long way. The website Gender Spectrum is another great place to explore your gender story, and read up on gender identities.
Packing and More…
I started to be curious about packing after I discovered how much I loved wearing a strapon. I liked the feeling of having some junk in my trunk, and experimented with pulling up my pants over my dildo (which if you have ever tried you know is super uncomfortable). I bought some boxers, and a Doc Johnson Pack It. I usually buy high end toys and avoid things like Doc Johnson, but this wasn’t going to be inserted anywhere, so there is no need to buy something really expensive. I then tucked it into my boxers and spent a whole evening like that. I adjusted like a man, felt what it was like to walk around with something in my pants, and giggled about how it looked with my wide hips and a bulge in my pants.
Since then I rarely pull out the packer, but I’m very glad I took the time to experience something a little bit scary. I understand that there are times where I want to display as male, and sometimes where I do want to have the feeling of having male parts. Gender is a lot more fluid than people think, and letting yourself flow where you are feeling can help you be fulfilled and life an extra awesome life.