STOP FUCKING LOOKING
A unicorn is roughly defined as a bisexual woman who is willing to enter a triad like arrangement with a pre-established couple. During my lifetime, I have seen so many personal ads for couples looking for another lady to bring in to their bed. The term Unicorn came about because these women are impossible to find. Why? Not because polyamorous, bisexual women don’t exist (in fact they may be in abundance in the poly world), but because couples treat bisexual women like garbage.
As a couple, the appeal of bringing another woman in to the relationship that you both can play with sounds great right? Someone who you may expect to have varying degrees of involvement with you, from just having sex with the two of you or to being in a relationship with you. A woman is ‘less threatening’ to an established couple, especially when the girl in the relationship already likes women. The whole issue with this perspective is that it does not even begin to consider the feelings of the unicorn.
But We are Both Super Attractive
I’ve heard a lot of laments like ‘well we are both clean, STD free, sexy people. Why can’t we find someone to play with?’ Consider how complicated attraction is. Consider how unlikely it would be for two people to walk in the room and for you to be attracted to both of them, the same exact degree, and want to do the same exact things with them. Even if a ‘unicorn’ is attracted to both partners, she might not be attracted to the same degree, or not want to have sex with both of you at the same time.
What to Do Instead
Opening up a relationship is complicated, and sometimes a unicorn can end up being the scapegoat for problems that bubble up in a pre-existing relationship. Sit down with your partner and talk about what you both want, and be honest. Does the female partner really want another woman, or would she actually prefer to be open to pursuing a male relationship? If the male partner (we are assuming a heterosexual couple here) feels threatened by the idea of another man, why? Be open to just meeting people, attending poly meetups or kinky play parties. Start to learn how you would approach someone, and make your intentions clear. If you don’t want a romantic relationship with a third person, you better let a potential person know that up front.
Consider dating separately. Or consider just inviting someone to play in a non sexual way. I do play with a couple, but my involvement with them is non-sexual. I will tie up the wife, and the husband will watch/take pictures and be the peanut gallery. This works for me for a lot of reasons, but the three of us sat down before hand and made it clear that they weren’t looking for a third for their relationship, and that I had no obligation to be sexual with either of them. We have a grand old time, and I always am happy to get a message from them when they want to do it again.
For The Unicorns
If you are some flavor of queer that involves both men and women in your potential partner pool, then I am talking to you. My biggest piece of advice is don’t agree to something without considering how it will affect you in the long run. You might be head over heels for one person of a couple, and agree to some stupid rules (believe me, I have). Just don’t. Advocate for your needs, and anticipate your future needs. You might not think that not getting to spend the night, or no romantic feelings allowed, sounds fine at the time but things change. If you only have attraction to one person in a couple, but the rule is that you need to have sex with both and you aren’t comfortable with that, don’t do it. You are allowed to have boundaries about what you will and will not do. I don’t want to tell people to avoid dating couples, or having threesomes, but the third person should have just as much respect as the established couple.